Admittedly, I can only name two Dresden Dolls songs, Coin Operated Boy and Girl Anachronism. When I bought the audiobook by Dolls frontwoman Amanda Palmer The Art of Asking: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help it was partly because it seemed like an interesting book, a relevant topic, and the forward to the book was by sociologist Brené Brown. I was more familiar with the TED talk of Brown than I was any of the art or work by Palmer. I always try to listen to audiobooks that are read by the author, I feel a different kind sincerity in their voice telling their story rather than a hired voice actor (short aside: books read by voice actors can be wonderful too).
Nobody should ever think, “I thought that was just me.” or “You’ve had that thought too?” Amanda Palmer’s book is an essential book for anybody who has that internal voice that attempts to talk you out of being … you.
This book is about the value of authentic human connection, empathy, asking, creativity, and optimism.
I am still trying to process The Art of Asking. So many of its themes resonate with me. I am not the artistic type or at least I thought I wasn’t but Palmer’s book is relevant to me and the work I do. She talks about her Fraud Police or the Imposter Syndrome that I feel where I do have successes and accomplishments but they do not seem real, or that I sufficiently earned them. I need to accept that I have these achievements because of the support and encouragement of those around me to succeed. I have had opportunities and experiences in my life that many do not – and I must live in genuine gratitude and accept those accomplishments otherwise I would be dismissing those opportunities and supporters.
I have always struggled to ask for help – because asking for help meant that I could not do whatever it was on my own. Why is doing things on our own the ideal? Why do I have that set as the standard? It is about vulnerability or at least the perception of vulnerability. Asking for help paints this picture that I can’t do something by myself. But what is wrong with that? It does not make me a less competent or capable person to ask for help – it makes me more competent and more capable to know where I am lacking and need assistance.
Trust and Connection. It is the easy path to build up walls or develop a thick skin when you have been burned by those around you. It has been my easy path – to pull away from all human connection when someone, a friend, lover, or family member, proves untrustworthy, unloving, or disrespectful. That those are the exact moments when authentic connections must be maintain and strengthened. Palmer says, “Sometimes people will prove themselves untrustworthy. When that happens, the correct response is not: Fuck! I knew I couldn’t trust anybody! The correct response is: Some people just suck. Moving right along.” This reminds me of what a good friend used to tell me when I said I needed thicker skin, he said, “no do not become impervious, just develop a Teflon coating, let the shit just slide off.”
Putting on a face. The last element that vibrated my soul is this thing I do where I am afraid of people judging me and then I get upset that I am not connecting well with them. This is most likely with new friends or connections. I am so focused on making a good impression I end up being focused on myself, not on making an authentic connection. If I am preoccupied with myself and trying to make them like me, then I am not being me.
It goes without saying that I recommend this book. I recommend the audiobook, actually. Amanda’s voice telling this story is an authentic connection.
Timothy K. Taycher 